Effective communication

Please note that I have written this text from my perspective, so I use a style and examples I feel affinity with. I try to write things in such a manner that it touches a wide audience. Your perspective may differ and you may not feel affinity with what I have written. Your feedback is therefore appreciated. 

Start with yourself

Effective communication requires emphatic listening. You ask a question or pose a problem and thereby you invite the other party to listen and reply. Probably because you are seeking for a better situation, whatever that might be. If you seek for knowledge and experience to make your communication more effective you can start with yourself, literally. Notice and improve the way you communicate with yourself. It may seem that improving the way you communicate with yourself doesn't matter that much, but from my experience I think it is key. 

From my experience

I found it quiet amazing to experience how I can communicate with my inner voices (perspectives, persons, whatever you may call it). A voice may be one of the parent, the spouse, the employee, the inner child and every perspective you can think of. All these voices communicate with each other all day long. You might not notice it, but if you pay attention you can really discern these different voices in your inner dialog. The point is, how do they communicate with each other? They way these inner voices communicate with each other is exactly the way you communicate with someone else. How could it be any different?

A simple way to communicate

Let us first define a simple way to effectively communicate. From my experience, it consists of only a few simple steps.

1. The voice that experiences a problem needs to speak up.
2. The other voices must be sincerely willing to address the problem.
3. Dialog is required between the voices. 
4. Only the voice that experiences (or experienced) the problem can agree whether the problem is resolved or whether it may rest for now.

Let's elaborate on these steps to clarify. 

1. Speak up

You do not know what another person thinks or feels. Your inner voices do not know what other voice in your head think or feel. So others can't possible know (merely guess) what you experience or think. The same holds for the voices of your inner dialog. Other voices (perspectives) have another look on things so they don't know how one voice experiences something. So if you, or a voice of your inner dialog, experiences a problem, you (or the voice) needs to speak up! At the same time it is very important that the one who speaks up, is willing to see things differently. That a voice (or person) experiences a problem doesn't mean it is actually there, it is all a matter of perspective.

2. Willing to address the problem

Image yourself being a member of a team that needs to get a project done. You have some concern about something related to the project. As others can't know what you think you need to speak up to make this clear, as mentioned earlier. It is now the responsibility of the other team members to be willing to address your problem. If they do not, your problem is still there, and consumes a part of your mind. Your mind can only do so much, so valuable processing power of you is lost as long as the problem stays. The same holds for voices in your mind. The other voices must be willing to address the problem of the voice that speaks up. If they do not, the voice with the problem can't really become part of collaboration to do work as it is partially occupied with the problem. 

3. Dialog

So the problem is out in the open, and other voices are listening and willing to help. The next ingredient is required to actually be able to solve it, and that is to converse. Other voices may ask politely whether they may present there perspective on the issue, or the initiator (the voice with the problem) may address certain voices and ask for their input. Sincere interest must be present while questions are being asked, and sincere answers must be given in order to really solve the issue.

Compare this to the team that wants to finish the project. Yelling at each other how stupid or irrelevant their concern is, and move on doesn't solve anything. Arrogantly telling how things work doesn't necessarily work either. Only speaking politely to one another, with an open mind for all possibilities, keeps the conversation going with a mind set to actually solve the issue.

4. Is the problem solved? 

 It doesn't matter whether the problem is logically there or not. The only thing that matters is that the voice with the problem experiences  a problem. So only the voice that has addressed the problem can say whether it is truly resolved. If it is not, the voice with the problem is held back because its mind is troubled. Other voices must accept that only the voice with the problem can say whether it is resolved or not. If the conversation is taking too long on a particular moment, it must be discussed whether it is possible to hold on to the issue and discuss it later on. But it must be discussed and later on must be defined right away, e.g., we discuss it this evening after diner because we then have time to converse. Again, compare this behavior with a group of people forming a team to get the project done.

Reread the first sentence of this point 4. The outcome may be that the voice has changed its perspective and agrees there is no problem, or other voices agree there is a problem and other voices need to pick it up and do work to solve it. The point here is, the outcome can be either way.

But we can get the project done without your problem being resolved, right!?

Someone in a team speaks up, and others try to sincerely address the issue. After some debate the problem isn't resolved yet and some team members become impatient. They start to speak with louder voices, listen less, if they still listen at all, and are already thinking of other things that is on their mind. Can't they get the project done if that issue isn't solved? Yeah, they probably can, because they do not share the issue, so it probably isn't vital to get the project done (or they are really stupid :) ). So what is the point of all this listening to each other and spending time doing so if the project can be finished without? If you do, you team up, and a team gets more work done, in a better way than anyone can do on its own. Compare companies, soccer teams, football teams, governments and so on. Could one person ever yield the same output as those who collaborate? No way. Can one person defend and score vs 11 other players on a soccer field? Can one person run an entire company without the help of others? Can one person run a country? The answer is yes but the results are far less than when people collaborate. So it is about getting the most out of it, achieve the best results possible. That is why everybody must speak up their issue, be heard and dealt with. The exact same thing holds for your inner dialog. You get the most out of yourself if you apply this method to all your inner voices and their problems, idea's or hunches.

Final words

I use examples of problems here. But that is not the only case in which this conversation method is of value. It also applies to a general idea or even a hunch. Whether it makes sense or not, it must be told (1), heard(2), discussed (3) and verified whether conclusions may be drawn to end the discussion (4). Only then the potency of the idea or hunch is fully explored. You want to get the most out of your life? Then collaborate with all these inner voices and you will.